I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
