so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
