Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
