Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
