does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
