I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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