Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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