this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
