I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
