Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
