fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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