You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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