I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
