um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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