My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
