i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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