Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
