Banned from zoo.
Again?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
