No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
