you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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