Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
