Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
