i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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