The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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