i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
