The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
