Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
