Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
