there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
