..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
