drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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