Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
