My Higher Power is John Stamos
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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