I love black thongs
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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