my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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