This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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