My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
