I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
