I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
