1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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