Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
All the doctor said was why
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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