Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
