I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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