Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Damn victory sex feels great
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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