Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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