so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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