I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
