if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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