Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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