i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize