But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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