I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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