farters have to be the big spoon...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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