There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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