Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about