She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.