I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I intend to get homeless drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
