You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
